Navigating the Conversation: Talking to Kids about a Parent's Drug Addiction

Having a family member who's struggling with drugs or alcohol can be challenging, especially for kids with a parent facing these issues. Life at home might feel confusing, and kids might even think they're somehow to blame for the problem.

"Even though kids might not understand what addiction is, they can feel that something's not right. When they don't get clear information, they come up with their ideas about what's going on," says Christina Granahan, LICSW, PCC, a therapist and coach.

Granahan recommends having a discussion with children that is appropriate for their age, ensuring they feel safe, nurtured, and understood.

Explaining addiction to a child might be tricky, but it's an important step to help them understand and feel less guilty or anxious about the situation.

The Impact of Addiction on Children

When a parent struggles with drug addiction, it can affect kids in various ways. The uncertainty and inconsistency at home may make them feel unsure and insecure. Sometimes, parents might give mixed messages, adding to the confusion.

Kids might also feel guilty and ashamed as they try to keep the family's troubles a secret. This, coupled with a sense of abandonment because their parents may not be emotionally available, can be tough.

Having a parent dealing with substance use can increase the chances of kids facing:

1.  Physical or emotional mistreatment and neglect
2.  Struggling in school
3.  Feeling anxious or sad
4.  Having low self-esteem
5.  Difficulty managing their emotions
6.  Trouble controlling impulses
7.  Being at risk for using substances themselves

That's why talking openly with kids is so important. "Having an open conversation lets kids share their worries and fears, preventing them from keeping negative feelings inside," says Daniel Rinaldi, MHC, a life coach.

Addressing Addiction with Kids: A Guide to Open Conversations

Discussing a parent's addiction with a child is a challenging conversation, whether you're a non-addicted parent, a worried relative, or a teacher.

Nevertheless, it's an essential discussion, and ignoring the problem or pretending it doesn't exist isn't a good idea.

Why It's Important to Discuss It?

Talking to kids about a parent's addiction is not easy, whether you're a non-addicted parent, a relative, or a teacher. However, it's a conversation that must happen. Ignoring the issue or pretending it's not a big deal isn't helpful and leaves kids wondering if this is how everyone's life is.

Even if you don't talk about it, children still pick up on the fact that something is amiss. Trying to hide the problem doesn't protect them from the pain caused by the addiction. They are still affected.

Having an open and honest conversation about addiction can help kids deal with the challenging feelings they're going through. It also makes them feel more comfortable talking to you.

"When a parent is open and honest, it teaches the child that they can be open and honest too," says Abbey Sangmeister, MSEd, LPC, a counselor, and coach.

For younger children, under ten years old, you need to remember that they often think everything revolves around them. They might blame themselves for the addiction. Reassure them that it's not their fault, and there's nothing they could have done to prevent it.

When talking to tweens, provide them with all the facts about their parent's addiction to prevent them from making up their explanations. Motivate them to come to you whenever they're upset or confused.

With teens, be aware that they may resent how the addiction has affected them. Give them opportunities to boost their self-esteem through activities like, writing in a journal, playing sports, or setting goals.

At some point, talk about addiction as a disease with a genetic component. Warn them about the risks of experimenting with drugs or alcohol, as their chances of developing an addiction might be higher.

Choose the right time to talk to a child about addiction, especially if you're a family member. Create a comfortable environment and be patient if they're hesitant to talk.

Living with a parent's addiction can be chaotic and scary for kids. Even if the family stays together, it can impact their behavior and emotions. Children with addicted parents may struggle with self-esteem, trust, and independence. The significant messages they need to hear are the truth, that addiction is a disease, it's okay to talk about it, and they are not alone.

Addiction Is a Medical Condition

When parents are drunk or high, they may say confusing things. They might break promises, like missing a child's important events or forgetting to pick them up. Addicted parents might also do embarrassing things, such as showing up intoxicated at school functions or getting angry during sports events. All of these actions are tough for children, no matter their age.

Kids can feel embarrassed, confused, and angry about their parent's behavior. Recognizing their emotions is crucial, and it is important to clarify that their responses are normal. However, it's also crucial to emphasize that addiction is a disease.

"People can help a child understand that their parent's addiction is not their fault by talking about what addiction is—a complex condition not caused by anything the child did," says Rinaldi.

Children should be reassured that their parents aren't "bad" people. Instead, they have a disease that influences them to make poor choices.

You Bear No Blame

Many kids might think they caused their parent's addiction. Even if they know deep down it's not their fault, they might still feel guilty and wonder if there's something they can do to stop their parents from using.

For example, older kids might skip plans with friends, thinking that staying home will prevent their parents from drinking or using drugs. This reaction is normal but not good for their well-being. Plus, it won't stop their parents from misusing substances.

If you're talking to a child with a parent facing addiction, help them understand that it's not their fault their parent drinks too much or uses drugs. They didn't cause the problem, and they can't fix it.

You are Not by Yourself

Living with a parent who is an addict can be difficult, especially because home is supposed to be a safe and secure place. But when there's addiction, that safety can feel scarce, and kids may feel all alone. They might think nobody understands what they're dealing with.

It's crucial to reassure them that they're not alone and that you're there for them whenever they want to talk. Also, let them know that many kids in their school and elsewhere have parents facing similar issues. Even though it's hard, they're not the only ones going through this. Simply understanding that others have similar feelings can bring some comfort to children.

Feel Free to Talk About It

Many times, kids with a parent who has an addiction are told to keep it a secret. This causes them to experience a great deal of shame and embarrassment regarding their home life.

You should let them know that it's perfectly okay to talk about the problem without being scared, ashamed, or embarrassed. They don't have to lie or keep secrets from their parents. Instead, encourage them to talk to someone they trust, like a teacher, counselor, foster parent, or people in a support group like Alateen.

7 Cs of Addiction

1. I didn't cause it.
2. I can't cure it.
3. I can't control it.
4. I can care for myself.
5. By communicating my feelings.
6. Making healthy choices.
7. By celebrating myself.

Talking to a therapist can also be useful. "Therapy can help the child process their feelings and find healthy ways to cope," says Rinaldi. Including a therapist can create safe places for discussing these matters in a supportive and unbiased setting.